Disclaimer: I rarely read after I write, so don't expect perfection
12:14 pm PST / October 4th, 2024 / YVR Oak House
The thought of sharing has always held little importance for me. In preschool, they said, "Sharing is caring". Well, no, I don't want to share my food with you, and now, when I am 21, no, I don't want to share my feelings with you. How ironic!
This blog started as an attempt to improve as a writer and create a portfolio of my work, a kid in grade 11th, who was trying to become a journalist. This isn't even my first attempt at making a "blog". I started one in grade 6 because a classmate of mine starting his own and he advertised it to everyone, making it sound like it is the hardest thing to do, and well, I knew it wasn't. I opened Google and found a website called "Wordpress", and happened to find his "personalized" website as one of the templates on the platform. Then, I did what any 9 year old kid would do, I made my own blog- a different template of course and shared it with everyone. But, the mistake I made was exclaiming to everyone about how easy it was to make. Hence, losing all the glory.
But, the competitiveness, or for a lack of better jealously has been a key motivator for me throughout my life. Whether it be learning computer science, or trying to become an investment banker, work on a start up or playing basketball, I started doing all of them from a place of trying to show someone else that I am better than them, or at least that I can be if I wanted.
This led me to some great places. Today, I am at a great university, studying something I probably might not be too interested in, but I do enjoy it. But, I do question how my decisions to study the subjects or join a certain university, were again influenced by me trying to "be better" than someone I knew. This question might be important to ask, but seems unnecessary right now because I should be making the most of this opportunity. Or, at least this is what I have been told.
My life has become a vacuum in the last 4 years, where I only allow very limited people to have access or control over me. I no longer feel jealous of anyone, I do feel competitive at times, but those feelings don't last longer than however long it takes to make microwaveable popcorn. I feel satisfied in most aspects of my life, which is scary to think about. A brand new 21 year old boy (maybe a man), who hasn't worked a day in the corporate world, never taken up a full-time job, feeling all entitled about what his parents have, making him "satisfied" and not having the hunger to work.
The truth is that I am scared, I have always been scared. Scared of making the wrong decision, and then regretting it for the rest of my life. For me, it is easier to say that I will figure it out one day than to say that I have the answers today. It scares me to think that I can box myself up into one word, like banker, lawyer, engineer, doctor, advertiser or something else at the age of 21 and then have to live with the burden of maintaining appearances as one of them. This sounds like excuses for not working hard, but I don't get what it means to work hard. I got through high school by doing the bare minimum, but still getting into a very good university. I am also getting through university by doing a little bit less than that. So, I might not be wrong in thinking that I shall figure something out after this as well. Right? I don't know yet.
It's not like I don't want to work. I do. But, the work that is the traditional next step after studying business for 4 years is not what excites me, AT ALL. The idea of making a film excites me. The idea of writing a story excites me. The idea of interviewing someone excites me. But, I struggle to start, the burden of false expectations I put on myself stop me from starting.
I recently learnt about the concept of framing. If you care about its definition search for it on Google. And, it made me think, that if I am able to frame my circumstances in a more desirable way, I might be able to overcome my insecurities and probably use them, rather than letting them cripple me.
And anyway, I think that I would be prouder of myself for trying something and not being the best at it, than not doing something because people might laugh at me. Which in reality, never really happens. Everyone is busy thinking about themselves and how they are perceived, rather than sitting there judging you.
I'm not doing nothing, but it's time I start doing something.
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